Church Three

May 8, Mother’s Day

Church #3

It had to happen sooner or later. Today I went to a “mega-church,” a massive auditorium-like sanctuary, with two giant screens, the worship service being filmed (live-streamed, maybe?), a street-clothed choir which sang at least 5 songs. This was also a diverse audience (congregation just doesn’t seem like the right noun), age- and race-wise, and it was also diverse up on the chancel (stage?).

As usual for me, I could not tell the difference between the songs (hymns? no they were not hymns), as I always feel Christian music sounds bland and similar from song to song.

I wrote down a lyric – “I will not have shame for you are with me.” I have always felt that “When I have shame, you are with me” makes more sense to me, means more to me. I have never felt that believing in a higher power meant that certain things would not/never happen to me.

An analogy came to me – as teeny-bopper/bubble-gum music is to folk music, as “feel good” is to “think”, that is how this type of service compares to a (to me) more thoughtful, thought-provoking, even doubt-filled worship experience.

The service itself was interesting – no bulletin, no liturgy, just sing sing sing and then offering and a message, and immediately after the message, the doors are flung open and we all scuttle away (well, I scuttled away). The references to the outside world were not to political or geopolitical realities or events, but to poverty and mission efforts (India, building schools, sending a workgroup to Alabama after the tornadoes). The sole abortion reference was in a prayer for peace for those experiencing some kind of suffering.

The pastor is a dynamic preacher, sometimes erupting into almost belligerent sounding thunderous statements and exhortations. I caught a phrase that has worried me all week – or I have worried it – “God needs you to have more than enough so you can help the one who does not have enough.” This bothers me so much, I cannot even adequately explain how the logic bothers me. This statement for me equates to, “God wants some people to not have enough, so you who have more than enough can learn to be generous.” Hmmmm…..so in my head I say, “God wants everybody to have enough.”

Then of course the thought comes to me, how does any of us know what God wants? For sure? And wouldn’t any of our statements about that say more about us than about God?

Church Two

May 1, 2011

Church #2

I plunked my finger down on the 5 sheets of yellow pages church listings, and three times it came up on the church I ended up going to. I tried several times because I happen to know the minister, and thought, “oh I shouldn’t go somewhere where I’ll be KNOWN.” Whatever. I decided I “had” to go with what the finger said. This church was as far from “slick” as you could get. Almost “rustic” in its presentation. Walls of windows so you could see trees everywhere. Not a lot of decoration, although the Easter banners of course were up. The people smiled and offered their handshakes. Someone recognized me during an announcement they were giving….”Hi!!!” A baby did some screaming, nobody seemed to think twice about it. I appreciated the large print tri-fold bulletin. They did my least favorite thing, passing the peace, but only at the very end, and from what the pastor said, it sounds like it is not a regular occurrence. Whew! What I most felt as I left and through the day after when I thought about it, was … just that: I thought about things that I heard in the service and the sermon. I understand that this is likely something basic for me about the worship service: I want to hear something I can chew on for awhile. In this service, I specifically heard, “we are called to lay our hands on the suffering in the world,” as Thomas put his hands in Christ’s wounds. I realized that I heard the sermon as “here’s what life can be,” rather than, with finger pointing: “here’s what you should be doing.” Which was nice. I have always felt that churches – perhaps like people? – spend way too much time fussing about being different, rather than just accepting who they already are. I felt this church was living its personality already.

Church One

Easter Sunday 2011

Church #1

I chose to attend a church I have been to before here in my new home town. This is a church of my “own” denomination. The worship services I have attended in the past year and a half have confirmed for me this is no longer a worship service that engages or moves me. I don’t feel I can give anything back in that hour. I find myself criticizing things: the hymn that nobody knows how to start singing, the typographical errors in the bulletin, the theology of the children’s moment, and on and on. I’m not saying that the worship service is responsible for my critical stance, only that this is what is called forth from me during that hour. I felt emotional, felt my eyes tearing up, one time: during one of the hymns when I flashed on the choir and the sanctuary of my home church in my former hometown, and how they were likely singing the same hymn this morning. I missed them, and I missed the quality of those worship services, even as I recall my critical moments in that sanctuary. The worship service at this church places the sermon just at the very end of the service, so that the message is preached, and a sending forth hymn is sung, and that is the end of the service. The minister told a joke about third graders listening to the resurrection story; it was funny; it energized me to laugh. At the end of his sermon, he told another joke about a child and an Easter card, and tied it back to the first joke about the third graders. Again – funny and energizing. And of course, the sending forth hymn is one of my “funny” Easter traditions – “UP from the grave he arose…..” which always has me giggling and connecting across the miles and years to a young woman I used to worship with in my former hometown. Each Easter, we remind each other of our glee when this particular hymn is sung. Tradition!

Ah, but you ask: what brought you closer to God? What caused you to stop and consider a new way of seeing the Holy? Well, nothing in this worship service did that. I did hear encouragement to go out and make the world a better place. I did hear reminders that Christians have eternal life, they never die, their sins are redeemed by Christ’s death, etc., etc. These are to me the clichés of worship, that are repeatedly voiced, but rarely examined. And they were not examined in this worship service, but hey – what did I expect?

Church Visit Project

I began the project on Easter Sunday, and have attended six different churches since then. I skipped a couple of Sundays, just because. A few days into the week after each visit, I've composed some thoughts about the experience. I am not looking for a church home, but I am wanting to put myself "in church" and see how I am affected, what comes up for me, and maybe get some glimmers about where I go next with the whole church question. So it may appear that the writing is about the churches, but really this is for/about/concerning ME (and God, or the Universe, or Higher Power....).

I am hoping to continue the church visit project until next Easter.

Back so soon?

Since my last post, I have been reading a couple of books, returned to the gym, to exercise, and to eating good food, seen a trainer at the Y, started a new church visiting project, and -- I hate to admit this -- started to floss daily. Interestingly enough, unbeknownst to me, I also quit drinking pop. It just kind of happened. Oh -- and I have finished a scrapbook for my husband for Father's Day! You heard me --- I FINISHED SOMETHING.

Oh -- and my husband and I have figured out about the vacation! We have made plans for Mexico in November with another couple, found a house right on the beach, have bought the plane tickets. I am creating my "Mexico list," i.e., things I need to get before going to Mexico -- water shoes, sandals, a pedicure, etc., etc. And I have a teeny tiny plan in the back of my mind to get a new bathing suit if this exercise and nutrition thing pans out.

The books -- The Happiness Project and Younger Next Year -- each contributed to my growing embracing of the concept of dailiness, routine, repetition. For some reason I have always had kind of a horror of a regular routine of anything, so that I would have "great ideas" that would never go anywhere, because -- as I now realize, belatedly to be sure -- it is important just to show up, be there, do it, etc., etc. Again -- no need to be perfect or finish something on the first pass.

It's still percolating in there, in here -- but I have energy and it feels right.

How It's Done: Vacation

The subject of vacations and who likes to do what has come up frequently lately between Husband and myself. This is a "big birthday" year (60 and 50), and additionally, we are approaching -- we can see the light! -- both children finishing college, and cash being freed up.

What do you really like to do on a vacation, dear? we ask each other. We reflect on vacations of years past, what worked, what didn't. We laugh and cringe at the same time, remembering when our styles clashed, when one or the other felt deprived of an adventure. "I could spend all day in museums," I say, remembering with regret the ones that got away in Italy. "I loved lying around in the garden at the Montreux hotel, just reading all day," he says fondly, knowing how the rest of us almost died of boredom. "I compromised! I understood you wanted such and such!"

We have such different dreams for time away. I could wander and browse all day, while he likes to plant himself and enjoy doing nothing. We are conscious of the other's lack of enjoyment when too much in the other's comfort zone. We want to get away together, and we want to get away on our own.

So we sit with our laptops and look at the options and consider how it might be if we took a few days or a week in Hawaii, in Mazatlan, in Portland, on the Olympic Peninsula, on a cruise to Alaska.

It would be nice to say it's easy to plan a vacation, but it's not. We each are too independent in our own ways to fold ourselves into the other's idea of an adventure.

So we must have faith in the process, and we must have confidence that it will all work out in the end, and we will have our time away, and he will have enough time to do nothing, and I will have enough museums. We must have hope that our flights will not get cancelled, that our luggage will arrive safely, that our camera will not get stolen. We have to visualize our wonderful room, with the great view, and the pristine beach, and the great service. But mostly, we have to have faith that we will go away, and enjoy our time together and apart, that we will share new things with each other, and ultimately, a few years from now, smile and/or cringe a little when we look back.

As we plan our next vacation.

Postponing the Inevitable

Four months is long enough to go between posts. Appropriately, I have been considering the concept of "procrastination" these last few days, after working with a client who presented this as his issue. Processing afterwards, a colleague said, "what is that about? is it power?" I answered, "is it dependency?" Now I am wondering, "is it perfectionism?" Usually, my bottom line answer to a series of "is it?" questions like that is, "it doesn't matter what it's about," and in this case, I think it's procrastination to wallow about wondering why.

I have an image of what a blog post should be. If what is going on in my head doesn't match that image, no blog post gets written. I'd like to think....maybe I could start with writing the blog post, rather than the ideal image.

That's my standard procrastination technique -- staying so focused on the "thing I want," that I never get started on the road to it!

The new "thing I want": taking the step off the curb and being on the road!