We’re in the car, whining and fidgeting. Mom is smoking a CIGARETTE. IN THE CAR.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Finding a Place to Sleep
We’re in the car, whining and fidgeting. Mom is smoking a CIGARETTE. IN THE CAR.
Friday, December 30, 2016
DEATH! GRIEF! WHY???!!!
Monday, August 22, 2016
As Promised
THINGS I DO WHILE MEDITATING
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Curioser and Curioser
Perhaps this is because at this relatively late stage of my life I am getting clearer about what it actually means to be a friend and to be befriended.
And to learn to be friendly while you do it.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
MOOC
Me:Thursday 15th. It was a threatening misty morning—but mild. We set off after dinner from Eusemere. Mrs Clarkson went a short way with us but turned back. The wind was furious and we thought we must have returned. We first rested in the large Boat-house, then under a furze Bush opposite Mr Clarkson's. Saw the plough going in the field. The wind seized our breath the Lake was rough. There was a Boat by itself floating in the middle of the Bay below Water Millock. We rested again in the Water Millock Lane. The hawthorns are black and green, the birches here and there greenish but there is yet more of purple to be seen on the Twigs. We got over into a field to avoid some cows—people working, a few primroses by the roadside, woodsorrel flower, the anemone, scentless violets, strawberries, and that starry yellow flower which Mrs C. calls pile wort. When we were in the woods beyond Gowbarrow park we saw a few daffodils close to the water side. We fancied that the lake had floated the seeds ashore and that the little colony had so sprung up. But as we went along there were more and yet more and at last under the boughs of the trees, we saw that there was a long belt of them along the shore, about the breadth of a country turnpike road. I never saw daffodils so beautiful they grew among the mossy stones about and about them, some rested their heads upon these stones as on a pillow for weariness and the rest tossed and reeled and danced and seemed as if they verily laughed with the wind that blew upon them over the lake, they looked so gay ever glancing ever changing. This wind blew directly over the lake to them. There was here and there a little knot and a few stragglers a few yards higher up but they were so few as not to disturb the simplicity and unity and life of that one busy highway. We rested again and again. The Bays were stormy, and we heard the waves at different distances and in the middle of the water like the sea. Rain came on—we were wet when we reached Luffs but we called in. Luckily all was chearless and gloomy so we faced the storm—we must have been wet if we had waited—put on dry clothes at Dobson's. I was very kindly treated by a young woman, the Landlady looked sour but it is her way. She gave us a goodish supper. Excellent ham and potatoes. We paid 7/ when we came away. William was sitting by a bright fire when I came downstairs. He soon made his way to the Library piled up in a corner of the window. He brought out a volume of Enfield's Speaker, another miscellany, and an odd volume of Congreve's plays. We had a glass of warm rum and water. We enjoyed ourselves and wished for Mary. It rained and blew when we went to bed. N.B. Deer in Gowbarrow park like skeletons.
Woke late (5:30) but able to be driving out of the city by 6:30. Stopped for gas (more expensive in Wisconsin), got coffee and croissant. Tried but failed to get much Pandora via aux cable. Frustrating. Spent the six and a half hours on the road scanning radio and stopping for good songs. "Come On Eileen" being a particularly good road song for some reason. Stopped only once more for a rest stop and a stretch. One episode of road rage when a large truck rode my bumper at 70 mph. Fortunately he exited before it could escalate. Weather was perfect and a little morning mist was nice. Came upon Madison and thought about Iowa City and got confused. What town/state am I in? Nodded toward Milwaukee and Morrie and my childhood. Once in Illinois realized I would need a lot more cash for tolls. Found hotel with no trouble and in my small, plain, but quite adequate room by 1:30 pm.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Things I Cannot Leave Behind...Just Yet
Yes I did just say that I have almost 20 years of appointment books.
I have done enormous amounts of downsizing for my upcoming move from Washington to Minnesota. Really. But every time I look at the date book tub, I quail and shake.
Well, not really....but....I have not, up until today, been able to toss any of it.
So today I said, OK, you are going to actually look at these things and if it feels right -- throw something away. And I did get rid of a few items (more than I thought I would at the outset).
Looking through the family/personal/church/work schedule from 2002, or 1995, or 2008 is an overwhelming memory movie, trips, and school plays, and band appearances, and graduations, and church meetings, and book groups, and every once in awhile a date with the husband...on and on...
Now I was tired and depressed throughout several (many?) of those years. And I did spend alot of time vegging out, as I recall, and not doing what I was supposed to do, ie cook dinner. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, and didn't ask for help. I was angry and then felt ashamed alot of the time. And yet -- there were some creative and fun things that happened. And the kids experienced the worlds of art, drama, church, foreign and domestic travel, politics.
The appointment books chronicle all of that. The counseling appointments as well as the women's group meetings and retreats. Chemo appointments. The weekend away every year with my best friend, and the camping weekend together that our families took each year. The day my youngest got baptized. Trips to the vet. Funerals, weddings, birthdays.
I experienced it once, and wrote it down. Now I look at it all, and re-experience it from afar, and try to shake my nasty feelings of inadequacy and give myself credit for the effort and (sometimes) the successes.
I cannot quite figure out why I can't just toss it all and be done with it, but at this point, that's the way it is.
Until the next time I sit with it all and can part with a few more memories.