Mother and Child Reunion

I slipped and called my youngest “girlie” the other day.   Amy briefly noted, “I am not a girl.” 

A simple interaction demonstrating the state of affairs between a mother and a child.  Having a child who identifies as “agender,” or “non-binary,” or “bi-sexual” – this mother is struggling but hanging in there.

Imagine if you will the birth of a child.  It’s a c-section.  It’s the second child, and (grinning with delight)  mom knows the sex of the child, but dad does not.  He hopes, though, for a girl.  And when the child emerges, he proclaims, “I got my girl!”

Twenty some years later, as this child informs  the parents of the gender identity journey they are on, this mother focuses at first in somewhat a silly fashion on the language.  We are not to use the female pronouns, we are to use the words they, them, their.  Grammar is important to this mom.  Now what?  Many conversations are filtered through the lens of “but are you talking about more than one person or what?”  “They” means multiple (well not all the time, but still). 

Mom forgets (see first paragraph).  A lot.

Mom hears this child talking about “them” and wonders what group of people she is referring to.  Then mom remembers…..the child is referring to their partner, who also uses they, them, their  for self-referencing. 

Mom is opening back up to the fact that her generation does not have a corner on liberation, on revolution, on change.  What? Sexual politics did not end with Germaine Greer and Alice Walker?

Recently, however, this mom has been asking herself this question: “How much of my relationship with this child hinges, absolutely depends, on the fact that they are female?”  How intrinsic, how essential to this mom’s understanding of her mom-ness to this child is the FACT in mom’s mind/memory that the child is female?

The answer of course is….very.  Absolutely.  “I got my girl!”  This mom, too, wanted “one of each,” and was so glad “we are complete now.”  This mom named the child after Amy March in Little Women, a most favorite book.  Mom and dad named the child after a favorite song, that, despite the difference in our ages, we both loved so much.  Two reasons for the name, two female reasons.

This mom struggled with a depression she witnessed in her own mother, and hoped against hope it would not be bequeathed to the second child (it was) – female lineage.  But this mom also saw the same handed-down intelligence and curiosity so familiar from her own childhood, and so affirmed by her own mom.

This mom saw her own face in her youngest child’s face. 

This mom was proud of her non-comformist second child….”she has never been a girly girl,” a statement made sooo many times over the years.  (This mom was not a girly girl either, so it felt like something that connected mom and child, an affirmation that was NOT A STRETCH for mom.)

The mom-child connection now IS a stretch for mom (but is it not for all parents who watch their child go in a somewhat different direction than the one the parent fantasized they would take?). 

Nope, the child certainly was not a girly girl.  The child tells us now they were not a girl at all, and now feels comfortable enough to invite their loved ones along for the experience, for the examination of how things are for them.  

Mom senses the space in her heart where there used to be a “girl,” knows there is still a wonderful person there in that space, can’t help wanting a WORD for that person,  and wishing (whining) for the process of re-learning not to be so danged hard….

.....yet the child inhabits the heart space, and mom won’t let go. 

Still connected.