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Details, details

Well, there is nothing like moving and divorcing to remind you over and over again that the devil is in the details. And one detail leads to a question about another detail which had been forgotten and maybe on purpose. 

In the best of circumstances, like when you are moving to your dream job in your dream city with your whole life ahead of you and you're pretty sure it's going to be awesome....well even then there are details that can trip you up.

So in THIS circumstance.....when I am moving because my entire life and the way it is structured is transforming and not completely by my own desires and when the intellect tells me it is for the best but the emotions and the heart cannot handle ONE MORE REMINDER of the life that was....well that circumstance can be good or bad depending on the detail management. 

So.....some days better than others. 
And on the not so good days it is enough to just take a nap and hope to wake up with a clearer mind because forcing myself to tend to details....well that is just a set up for emotional meltdown.

Which I can do just fine on my own even on a good day, thank you very much.

Meditation nuggets that have been meaningful for me in this my freshman year of being a meditator.

1.  Impermanence of all things including feelings/reactions.

2.  Focus/notice is different from a) grasping/holding or b) ignoring/denial, in much the same way neutral is different from positive or negative.

3.  Skillful or non-skillful -- helpful way of seeing behavior/responses (rather than good/bad).

4.  Paying attention to something changes my relationship with it.  As in, paying attention to my anxiety lessens its power and provides me the opportunity to consider/reflect on my options, rather than typical knee jerk responses like fear/anger/blame/shame.

5.  Importance of breathing.  Sometimes breathing being the only thing important!

Do I still need that?

I've been thinking lately about the "big concepts" that rule my thinking, you know, the important things I learned as a young adult that defined my behaviors and choices for a long time.

I think that assertiveness is one of those.  My God, I still remember just devouring the whole slew of assertiveness training books in the early 70's.  It made so much sense to me, and gave me so much permission to say NO.

Then there is the whole co-dependent and boundaries topic area.  Working with battered women, then getting involved with ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and just being completely in love with the whole "set your boundaries" idea, that I needed to get my self-worth only from myself and not from others.

Now at this stage of my life, I am considering whether these ideas have combined to not only strengthen me and my self-concept, but also to separate me from others in a way that has actually damaged my relationships, or at the very least affected them in ways that I truly need to examine.  I think maybe I have grown to depend on myself and my internal thoughts, my own interpretations, my need for autonomy, to the extent that I have not nurtured the part of life that promotes true connection with others.

And yes I know it's not either or, but still...I need to look.

We often forget to re-evaluate, to take a look at our patterns and routines, because they come from somewhere, and that was the past.  How do they fit with our present?

Tipping Over

Out of balance tonight at yoga, where of course the meditation was about.....finding balance.  Being off kilter...well that happens....but tonight it was FULL THROTTLE off kilter, and there I was in yoga, being encouraged to consider balance......within the body.....within the mind....within the spirit.  I was thinking, what is the purpose of all this being out of balance?  What can it point me to if I allow myself to really feel it? How freaking uncomfortable it is!  I could barely hold a pose.  I could not find my breath.  I needed water (stepped out and got it).  I felt clumsy.  I could not find acceptance.  I was self-conscious.

I'm very fond of telling myself  "just do the next right thing, take the next right move," when I feel this kind of overpowering negativity. Came home and drank a bottle of water.  It's just going to have to be enough tonight!  

Not perfect yet!

I considered this in yoga class today:  every minute I am doing yoga is a minute I am NOT complaining, irritable, nasty, depressed, gossiping, worried.......and every minute I am doing yoga is a minute I AM focused, listening, strong, experimenting......this is the kind of thought that runs through my mind during yoga class.  You notice I did NOT say that I am COMPLETELY focused....I recall that I even thought to myself....that's a good blog subject....hmmm....perhaps the mind wanders a bit.

Mike Mulligan and Heidi

Driving along, minding my own business, as they say....out in a somewhat rural area, but driving through some road construction, I happened to pass by one of those huge earth moving kind of machines, it was close and completely put me in mind of a tyrannosaurus rex, with its huge mouth open and ferocious.  I immediately thought of Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel, a favorite book from childhood.  Now I have no idea if that big machine was a "steam shovel," or if there are even any steam shovels left in this advanced world, but that's where I went with the image.

Mike Mulligan.  I think I always thought it was a "boy's book," because it was urban and about work (don't ask...somehow I made the equation....work=boys)...but we of course had other books -- Blueberries for Sal! (plink!plank!plunk!) Make Way For Ducklings! The Little Engine That Could! All these books, their covers, the wonderful illustrations, even the authors (Watty Piper! What a name!).  And we got those books -- over and over, apparently -- from the library.

What a wonderful place a library is.  I hardly ever go to a library anymore.

Caddie Woodlawn.  Of course, the Little House books.  The Borrowers!  Tom Sawyer (oh that love story with Becky and Tom), Little Women.  And Nancy Drew, Sue Barton, some other nurse series, and even the Hardy Boys every once in awhile....and the greatest story of all time: HEIDI.  I could not get enough of that girl.

I know my mother loved it that I was a reader, and I in turn loved it that my daughter was a ferocious reader.    

I believe my gratitude list tonight will include Mike Mulligan, because he really took me back to a pleasant place today.  THANKS MIKE!!