Mother and Child Reunion

I slipped and called my youngest “girlie” the other day.   Amy briefly noted, “I am not a girl.” 

A simple interaction demonstrating the state of affairs between a mother and a child.  Having a child who identifies as “agender,” or “non-binary,” or “bi-sexual” – this mother is struggling but hanging in there.

Imagine if you will the birth of a child.  It’s a c-section.  It’s the second child, and (grinning with delight)  mom knows the sex of the child, but dad does not.  He hopes, though, for a girl.  And when the child emerges, he proclaims, “I got my girl!”

Twenty some years later, as this child informs  the parents of the gender identity journey they are on, this mother focuses at first in somewhat a silly fashion on the language.  We are not to use the female pronouns, we are to use the words they, them, their.  Grammar is important to this mom.  Now what?  Many conversations are filtered through the lens of “but are you talking about more than one person or what?”  “They” means multiple (well not all the time, but still). 

Mom forgets (see first paragraph).  A lot.

Mom hears this child talking about “them” and wonders what group of people she is referring to.  Then mom remembers…..the child is referring to their partner, who also uses they, them, their  for self-referencing. 

Mom is opening back up to the fact that her generation does not have a corner on liberation, on revolution, on change.  What? Sexual politics did not end with Germaine Greer and Alice Walker?

Recently, however, this mom has been asking herself this question: “How much of my relationship with this child hinges, absolutely depends, on the fact that they are female?”  How intrinsic, how essential to this mom’s understanding of her mom-ness to this child is the FACT in mom’s mind/memory that the child is female?

The answer of course is….very.  Absolutely.  “I got my girl!”  This mom, too, wanted “one of each,” and was so glad “we are complete now.”  This mom named the child after Amy March in Little Women, a most favorite book.  Mom and dad named the child after a favorite song, that, despite the difference in our ages, we both loved so much.  Two reasons for the name, two female reasons.

This mom struggled with a depression she witnessed in her own mother, and hoped against hope it would not be bequeathed to the second child (it was) – female lineage.  But this mom also saw the same handed-down intelligence and curiosity so familiar from her own childhood, and so affirmed by her own mom.

This mom saw her own face in her youngest child’s face. 

This mom was proud of her non-comformist second child….”she has never been a girly girl,” a statement made sooo many times over the years.  (This mom was not a girly girl either, so it felt like something that connected mom and child, an affirmation that was NOT A STRETCH for mom.)

The mom-child connection now IS a stretch for mom (but is it not for all parents who watch their child go in a somewhat different direction than the one the parent fantasized they would take?). 

Nope, the child certainly was not a girly girl.  The child tells us now they were not a girl at all, and now feels comfortable enough to invite their loved ones along for the experience, for the examination of how things are for them.  

Mom senses the space in her heart where there used to be a “girl,” knows there is still a wonderful person there in that space, can’t help wanting a WORD for that person,  and wishing (whining) for the process of re-learning not to be so danged hard….

.....yet the child inhabits the heart space, and mom won’t let go. 

Still connected.

Books Are Our Friends

Five years ago we began packing up our possessions to eventually move them from Minnesota to Washington State. Many boxes of books made the journey, some mine, some my husband's, some my daughter's and son's, some boxes strictly business, others blended with classics and Calvin and Hobbes anthologies.

Unpacking occurred and some things just never got situated outside their boxes. These were tucked away in garage nooks and cupboards but have now been brought back out because another chapter is unfolding, a divorce and a resettling of all the possessions.

Since March 2 my new apartment has been the scene of deliberate unpacking and reshuffling, some additional decluttering (yay!), yes even of books.  The other day my soon to be former husband presented me with a box of books he found as he completely rearranged the garage.

It took a couple of days but I did get to it, reacquainting myself with some oldies but goodies (Jo's Boys!), and doing the usual removal of some to the Half Price Books box. A book emerged I dimly remembered buying for the title. It's  a book written by a St Paul teacher/writer. It has the word "impermanent" in the title, which probably was the attraction for me then and certainly is what draws me back to it now.

The thing is, it's been there all this time.  Now I am so ready to read it, well, really, to gobble it up. What a gift from my not so distant past.

Smart girl, buying that book then. Grateful girl, reading that book now!

And the winner is....

What is it about this very seasoned social worker that wants to be better than anybody else at managing emotional stress?  Is there some competition out there that I must win?

The days that do not bring anger and fear are to be appreciated, for sure, because the days that are wrapped in anger and fear are so difficult to accept as part of the process.  Suddenly the awareness sinks in YET AGAIN: this is a tough road and the bad parts are not to be avoided.  Suddenly the nastiness rises to the surface and.....this is the hard part......must be acknowledged and addressed.

Oh yes you do TOO want someone to feel bad.  You are not ALWAYS the forbearing, patient, accepting person who is managing THE BEST DIVORCE EVER.

And yes you must remind yourself over and over about the things you can do to help yourself along.  Make that list of things you enjoy! Try one thing this week you have not been accustomed to doing before...maybe it will turn out great! And then do these things and start making them part of your routine, so that you are always there for yourself on these lousy lousy BAD DAYS.  Because those days arrive and smack you down and only you can feel your way forward and off the floor.

See below

Details, details

Well, there is nothing like moving and divorcing to remind you over and over again that the devil is in the details. And one detail leads to a question about another detail which had been forgotten and maybe on purpose. 

In the best of circumstances, like when you are moving to your dream job in your dream city with your whole life ahead of you and you're pretty sure it's going to be awesome....well even then there are details that can trip you up.

So in THIS circumstance.....when I am moving because my entire life and the way it is structured is transforming and not completely by my own desires and when the intellect tells me it is for the best but the emotions and the heart cannot handle ONE MORE REMINDER of the life that was....well that circumstance can be good or bad depending on the detail management. 

So.....some days better than others. 
And on the not so good days it is enough to just take a nap and hope to wake up with a clearer mind because forcing myself to tend to details....well that is just a set up for emotional meltdown.

Which I can do just fine on my own even on a good day, thank you very much.

Meditation nuggets that have been meaningful for me in this my freshman year of being a meditator.

1.  Impermanence of all things including feelings/reactions.

2.  Focus/notice is different from a) grasping/holding or b) ignoring/denial, in much the same way neutral is different from positive or negative.

3.  Skillful or non-skillful -- helpful way of seeing behavior/responses (rather than good/bad).

4.  Paying attention to something changes my relationship with it.  As in, paying attention to my anxiety lessens its power and provides me the opportunity to consider/reflect on my options, rather than typical knee jerk responses like fear/anger/blame/shame.

5.  Importance of breathing.  Sometimes breathing being the only thing important!

Do I still need that?

I've been thinking lately about the "big concepts" that rule my thinking, you know, the important things I learned as a young adult that defined my behaviors and choices for a long time.

I think that assertiveness is one of those.  My God, I still remember just devouring the whole slew of assertiveness training books in the early 70's.  It made so much sense to me, and gave me so much permission to say NO.

Then there is the whole co-dependent and boundaries topic area.  Working with battered women, then getting involved with ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and just being completely in love with the whole "set your boundaries" idea, that I needed to get my self-worth only from myself and not from others.

Now at this stage of my life, I am considering whether these ideas have combined to not only strengthen me and my self-concept, but also to separate me from others in a way that has actually damaged my relationships, or at the very least affected them in ways that I truly need to examine.  I think maybe I have grown to depend on myself and my internal thoughts, my own interpretations, my need for autonomy, to the extent that I have not nurtured the part of life that promotes true connection with others.

And yes I know it's not either or, but still...I need to look.

We often forget to re-evaluate, to take a look at our patterns and routines, because they come from somewhere, and that was the past.  How do they fit with our present?