Books Are Our Friends

Five years ago we began packing up our possessions to eventually move them from Minnesota to Washington State. Many boxes of books made the journey, some mine, some my husband's, some my daughter's and son's, some boxes strictly business, others blended with classics and Calvin and Hobbes anthologies.

Unpacking occurred and some things just never got situated outside their boxes. These were tucked away in garage nooks and cupboards but have now been brought back out because another chapter is unfolding, a divorce and a resettling of all the possessions.

Since March 2 my new apartment has been the scene of deliberate unpacking and reshuffling, some additional decluttering (yay!), yes even of books.  The other day my soon to be former husband presented me with a box of books he found as he completely rearranged the garage.

It took a couple of days but I did get to it, reacquainting myself with some oldies but goodies (Jo's Boys!), and doing the usual removal of some to the Half Price Books box. A book emerged I dimly remembered buying for the title. It's  a book written by a St Paul teacher/writer. It has the word "impermanent" in the title, which probably was the attraction for me then and certainly is what draws me back to it now.

The thing is, it's been there all this time.  Now I am so ready to read it, well, really, to gobble it up. What a gift from my not so distant past.

Smart girl, buying that book then. Grateful girl, reading that book now!

And the winner is....

What is it about this very seasoned social worker that wants to be better than anybody else at managing emotional stress?  Is there some competition out there that I must win?

The days that do not bring anger and fear are to be appreciated, for sure, because the days that are wrapped in anger and fear are so difficult to accept as part of the process.  Suddenly the awareness sinks in YET AGAIN: this is a tough road and the bad parts are not to be avoided.  Suddenly the nastiness rises to the surface and.....this is the hard part......must be acknowledged and addressed.

Oh yes you do TOO want someone to feel bad.  You are not ALWAYS the forbearing, patient, accepting person who is managing THE BEST DIVORCE EVER.

And yes you must remind yourself over and over about the things you can do to help yourself along.  Make that list of things you enjoy! Try one thing this week you have not been accustomed to doing before...maybe it will turn out great! And then do these things and start making them part of your routine, so that you are always there for yourself on these lousy lousy BAD DAYS.  Because those days arrive and smack you down and only you can feel your way forward and off the floor.

See below

Details, details

Well, there is nothing like moving and divorcing to remind you over and over again that the devil is in the details. And one detail leads to a question about another detail which had been forgotten and maybe on purpose. 

In the best of circumstances, like when you are moving to your dream job in your dream city with your whole life ahead of you and you're pretty sure it's going to be awesome....well even then there are details that can trip you up.

So in THIS circumstance.....when I am moving because my entire life and the way it is structured is transforming and not completely by my own desires and when the intellect tells me it is for the best but the emotions and the heart cannot handle ONE MORE REMINDER of the life that was....well that circumstance can be good or bad depending on the detail management. 

So.....some days better than others. 
And on the not so good days it is enough to just take a nap and hope to wake up with a clearer mind because forcing myself to tend to details....well that is just a set up for emotional meltdown.

Which I can do just fine on my own even on a good day, thank you very much.

Meditation nuggets that have been meaningful for me in this my freshman year of being a meditator.

1.  Impermanence of all things including feelings/reactions.

2.  Focus/notice is different from a) grasping/holding or b) ignoring/denial, in much the same way neutral is different from positive or negative.

3.  Skillful or non-skillful -- helpful way of seeing behavior/responses (rather than good/bad).

4.  Paying attention to something changes my relationship with it.  As in, paying attention to my anxiety lessens its power and provides me the opportunity to consider/reflect on my options, rather than typical knee jerk responses like fear/anger/blame/shame.

5.  Importance of breathing.  Sometimes breathing being the only thing important!

Do I still need that?

I've been thinking lately about the "big concepts" that rule my thinking, you know, the important things I learned as a young adult that defined my behaviors and choices for a long time.

I think that assertiveness is one of those.  My God, I still remember just devouring the whole slew of assertiveness training books in the early 70's.  It made so much sense to me, and gave me so much permission to say NO.

Then there is the whole co-dependent and boundaries topic area.  Working with battered women, then getting involved with ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and just being completely in love with the whole "set your boundaries" idea, that I needed to get my self-worth only from myself and not from others.

Now at this stage of my life, I am considering whether these ideas have combined to not only strengthen me and my self-concept, but also to separate me from others in a way that has actually damaged my relationships, or at the very least affected them in ways that I truly need to examine.  I think maybe I have grown to depend on myself and my internal thoughts, my own interpretations, my need for autonomy, to the extent that I have not nurtured the part of life that promotes true connection with others.

And yes I know it's not either or, but still...I need to look.

We often forget to re-evaluate, to take a look at our patterns and routines, because they come from somewhere, and that was the past.  How do they fit with our present?

Tipping Over

Out of balance tonight at yoga, where of course the meditation was about.....finding balance.  Being off kilter...well that happens....but tonight it was FULL THROTTLE off kilter, and there I was in yoga, being encouraged to consider balance......within the body.....within the mind....within the spirit.  I was thinking, what is the purpose of all this being out of balance?  What can it point me to if I allow myself to really feel it? How freaking uncomfortable it is!  I could barely hold a pose.  I could not find my breath.  I needed water (stepped out and got it).  I felt clumsy.  I could not find acceptance.  I was self-conscious.

I'm very fond of telling myself  "just do the next right thing, take the next right move," when I feel this kind of overpowering negativity. Came home and drank a bottle of water.  It's just going to have to be enough tonight!