Yes I did just say that I have almost 20 years of appointment books.
I have done enormous amounts of downsizing for my upcoming move from Washington to Minnesota. Really. But every time I look at the date book tub, I quail and shake.
Well, not really....but....I have not, up until today, been able to toss any of it. So today I said, OK, you are going to actually look at these things and if it feels right -- throw something away. And I did get rid of a few items (more than I thought I would at the outset).
Looking through the family/personal/church/work schedule from 2002, or 1995, or 2008 is an overwhelming memory movie, trips, and school plays, and band appearances, and graduations, and church meetings, and book groups, and every once in awhile a date with the husband...on and on...
Now I was tired and depressed throughout several (many?) of those years. And I did spend alot of time vegging out, as I recall, and not doing what I was supposed to do, ie cook dinner. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, and didn't ask for help. I was angry and then felt ashamed alot of the time. And yet -- there were some creative and fun things that happened. And the kids experienced the worlds of art, drama, church, foreign and domestic travel, politics.
The appointment books chronicle all of that. The counseling appointments as well as the women's group meetings and retreats. Chemo appointments. The weekend away every year with my best friend, and the camping weekend together that our families took each year. The day my youngest got baptized. Trips to the vet. Funerals, weddings, birthdays.
I experienced it once, and wrote it down. Now I look at it all, and re-experience it from afar, and try to shake my nasty feelings of inadequacy and give myself credit for the effort and (sometimes) the successes.
I cannot quite figure out why I can't just toss it all and be done with it, but at this point, that's the way it is.
Until the next time I sit with it all and can part with a few more memories.
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